Truth Part III

Published on June 25, 2005 in Spirituality. 0 Comments

Let’s discuss truth some more.

There is a saying that people have that a particular concept, idea or other information “rings true”. I believe that I have a conscious awareness of the process and experience of something “ringing true”.

In my own consciousness I am aware of something that I call the “Tree of Life”. If you have been reading some of my previous posts, you may be aware that I have a particular affinity for trees. However, the Tree of which I speak is not something that you might find in a garden, and though it is in many ways abstract, it is more real to me than what you might term “reality”.

As a software engineer, I was introduced to the concept of “logic trees”. Considering how I feel about trees, this was an idea that I immediately latched on to. It turns out that a “tree” is not only a physical object that grows in the world around us, it is also a very convenient way of organizing data, information and concepts.

Any hierarchical structure can be represented by a tree, consider your “Family Tree” as an example of such. Many software developers see trees in a two dimensional way. The simplest trees can be easily illustrated on a white board but they soon become very unwieldy when the amount of information or the number of branches begins to increase.

Being a rather visual thinker, I began to contemplate trees in my imagination, seeing them in three dimensions. Three dimensions began to become limiting however so, using some mental tricks that I have developed over the years, I began to visualize these trees in four, five and even more dimensions.

I must say that these mental tricks require one to let go of a purely visual representation of experience. I soon found that the least limited perceptual mode was what NLP students call the Kinetic sense. I use feelings. Consider that we only have two eyes and by virtue of stereoscopic vision, we normally see the world three dimensionally. However, I believe that our sense is actually four-dimensional because the stereoscopic effect can only be recognized in the context of motion. Motion implies time, and time is the fourth dimension.

The auditory dimension is limited by the harmonic relationships that we can perceive. With practice, one can discern more than four melodic themes and by virtue of the experience of harmony, we perceive even more. This can be applied to visual experience in the form of dance. I suppose the upper limit on this type of perception would be the number of cilia in the inner ear.

Consider though, how many nerve endings exist in the human body. Consider that there are also concentrations of these nerves in specific locations of the body that just so happen to correspond to the flow of the bioelectric field (also known as Qi, Prana or Nyama). By utilizing these centers of biophysical energy, one can expand ones perceptions to nearly infinite dimensions.

So, I developed a methodology for bringing complex multidimensional logic trees into physical perception. I then began to “look around” with these new senses. What I began to perceive is very difficult to describe seeing as how, most descriptions must rely on the perceptual capabilities of the reader as the source of “imagery” for descriptions.

Let me just say that there is a great tree that extends throughout all of time and space. Time and space are not limited to four dimensions as most physicists are taught. In studying this tree, one is able to perceive not only the past and the present but also the future. All of the probabilities and possibilities that exist from any “nexus” of the tree branches and re-branches out into the distance and any branch can be taken by a simple act of will.

When I contemplate information, concepts and ideas, I find that when it “fits” within the tree, the tree “rings” like a bell. There is a particular “vibration” that I literally feel deep within the core of my “being”. The more powerful the idea or concept the more harmonious is the “sound”.

The experience of a profound truth is pure ecstasy.

I suppose that “Truth” for me is not necessarily an attribute of an idea, concept or the words that someone shares. Truth is an experience more akin to a touch or an esthetic perception.

I believe that those who feel the beauty in a great work of art or music, or the pure joy of mathematical harmony, would know the meaning of “Truth”.

I also find Truth in the smile of a child as they look into your eyes, or the flight of a bird as it follows the invisible currents of air to light upon a branch high in a tree.

I see “Truth” all around me and I am filled with wonder.

I also feel Truth when I see the look of Love in Brenda’s eyes, when I hold her close and the energies of my heart entwine with hers and there is only one heart.

I suppose that Truth and Love are one in the same.

Thank You God!

Thank You!

Thank You!

Soldiers

Published on June 24, 2005 in Film. 0 Comments

I just finished watching the war movie “We Were Soldiers”. I pray that my own children, and my children’s children, and the children of all of the people of the world, will never have to experience life and death at the hands of their brothers.

The finest man that I have ever known, and perhaps the best friend I ever have had was a Viet Nam veteran. His name is Stephan Keys. He has been my mentor and teacher. He taught me the true meaning of brotherhood, honor and valor.

Steve was not a good man. His first best destiny was the life of a warrior. His greatest skill was the taking of human life. By all accounts, one could say that he epitomized the best and the worst of what a man could be. He is the first man that I ever loved.

There once was a time when I would have given my life before I took the life of another. This changed on the day that my first child Atlantis was born. When I held her in my arms, so perfect and so beautiful, I knew then that I would kill before I allowed anyone to bring harm to her. I never realized though that there would come a time when, if Steve had asked me, I would kill without remorse or regret.

I now understand why he was the great leader in battle that he became.

Some might say that it was all just words and boasting on his part.

I think not.

I can only guess as to why he walked away from the military, but I suppose that when you are sent on a one-way mission and all of your team are killed, you might consider it impossible to fight again knowing that you will survive and those that you love, as I love Steve, will die.

He told me in the end, the only thing that saved him was that he ran out of ammunition. He was taken prisoner and eventually escaped, or was rescued. From the day that I first met him, to the day he died, he had a fetish about keeping clean. I guess that is what happens after you have lived for weeks on end in a latrine.

When he finally returned to the states, they put him in a cargo plane with the dead bodies of his comrades. Every battle that he fought was “off the record”. He was an Airborne Ranger, a master sergeant at least twice (he had a bad habit of knocking out his superior officers) a demolitions expert and an expert strategist. He was a trained martial artist but not the best, yet you wouldn’t want to get in a fight with him. You might be able to beat him pretty bad, but in the end, he would win because he wouldn’t give up unless you killed him.

He told me that the first time he ever stepped out of a chopper, he was excited and his mind was filled with dreams of glory and the voices of soldiers singing the theme to the “Green Berets”. When the chopper touched down in the LZ, the head of the man in front of him was immediately blown off by enemy fire. Steve shit his pants, jumped out of the chopper and ran for his life. At that moment he made a vow to himself that whatever happened, he would somehow make it home. Of all the men that he trained, fought and killed with, he was the only one that did.

I remember when he told me that story. He was trying to impress upon me that no matter what you might think or imagine about war, it will never come close to the reality. I used to speculate with him what it might have been like if I had been in battle with him. He would look me in the eye and say, "I would never want that to happen to you. You would never be the same. It is better that you stay the kind of person that you are." Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I probably would not have survived. Not that I could not have mastered the skills or learned to handle the strain. I just don’t think that I could have lived with what I would have become.

The man that Steve became though the experience of war was the man that he was destined to be. When he finally understood what war was about, he mastered it enough to stay alive and even excell at it.

I’ll tell you how Steve died.

He was living with us at the time. He was suffering from severe congestive heart failure and diabetes. He had already lost a couple of toes to abscesses that would not heal. I remember the day before; he and I had been at the gym and had spent a few minutes doing cardio. He couldn’t help but compete so I only wanted to work it for ten minutes at a stretch.

He had told me that he was looking forward to taking his place doing guard duty in a little corner of heaven. He wasn’t planning on reincarnating again.

The following morning, I got up and found him kneeling at the couch as if he were in prayer. I reached over and touched him and he was cold. I knew that he was gone.

If there was ever any other way for a true warrior to go out, this would be the way, surrounded by those that truly love him and kneeling in prayer. It is said that if you transition in an upright position, you will leave through the seventh charka. Transitioning in such a way guarantees that you will transition directly to heaven.

Of all the people that I have known that have passed, he is the only one who did not come to me in the first three days after passing, requesting me to seek out their loved ones and make sure that they were alright, or some other request.

Some days, I feel him standing next to me. He will whisper into my left ear and remind me of some truth or another. I guess I’m kind of lucky in a way, for me he has not gone and I can share time with him any time that he chooses to join me. Still, I miss Steve. Not a day goes by that I don’t ask myself, “What would Steve think of this?”

So Steve, I know that you’re up there on guard duty, and if not, I bet you’re “chasing the princess”.

I Love You Man. You’re the first brother that I ever knew.

Detachment

Published on June 18, 2005 in Spirituality. 0 Comments

We all have desires, wants and needs. Each of us finds, at some point in time in our lives, that the life that we are leading is missing something. In search of that certain something, we reach for the ephemeral pleasures of entertainment or possessions, sport or adventure, and yet, somehow, all of the things that we grasp for seem to somehow fall short once they have been obtained.

The special car or technological marvel soon falls out of fashion by virtue of the excellent work of advertisers or the natural consequences of wear and tear. That which we felt would fulfill our need and satisfy our wants soon proves inadequate and unsatisfying. Perhaps it is the ultimate defeat of this futile search that is the inevitable cause of aging and death. Once we tire of the search for satisfaction or lose faith in the ultimate achievement of satiation we just give up on life itself.

There surely must be more to living than an unending search for the ultimate experience that will fill that empty place within us. I do not profess to know the answer to this question. However, it is the search for the answer that motivates me. Somehow, I believe that there is a purpose to my life and a meaning to the desire within my heart. Each day that I wake and greet the dawning of consciousness I find that there is more to learn and more to experience.

As I walk to work each day, I am forever fascinated by the variety and variation of the world that fills my senses. To look, to hear, to smell, to taste and feel the variety of experiences each day is somehow a miracle to me. Each person that I see is a gift of beauty and joy.

Until recently, I did not know that such joy could exist. Even in my sorrow, I find contentment. Could any such experience be sane?

How have I come to this place? Is this real or just a figment of my imagination? This question is another burning desire to be fulfilled. The search for the answer is a reward in itself. I fear that finding the answer could somehow leave me at the end of a journey, every step of which, I have enjoyed to the depths of my very being, and yet, the clue may lie in a conversation I recently had with my Love Brenda.

We were discussing detachment. The details shall remain private but the conversation came round to this; what is it that we truly desire?

Let us say that you might have a desire for a beautiful pen. You have seen this pen in magazines. It is plated with gold and custom designed for the hand of each owner. Somehow, you know that with this pen you could write the “Great American Novel”. Therefore, you take a job to make money. You really have little interest in the job that you do. It is the money that you seek. Of course, you still have to eat, have a place to stay and a roof over your head. You have to get back and forth to work. By the time all of your basic needs are cared fore, you have little to put aside for your great and wonderful pen.

Somehow, you save almost enough to make your purchase and then some crisis comes along. Maybe you get a raise or a promotion in your job and more responsibilities to go with it. With the greater responsibilities come greater stress and you begin to dissipate this stress though entertainment and other diversions. You still never seem to be able to save up enough for your wonderful pen. As the years go by, your skills as a writer begin to fade and your desire to create begins to wane. Once you have the wherewithal to purchase the great and wonderful pen, you now wonder why you even wanted it.

Perhaps this story seems familiar to you.

This person in search of the great and wonderful pen had “attached” their hopes and dreams to the pen. Therefore, where the pen goes, so goes the hopes and dreams. Could not this person had asked, “Why do I desire to write the ‘Great American Novel’? What is it that truly motivates me? Shouldn’t I pursue this directly instead of a pen that really has nothing to do with my true desire?”

I believe this is the true key to detachment.

Know your root desire, and acquire it directly. Detach every idea, concept or thing from your root desire and concentrate on that desire totally to the exclusion of all else. This is true detachment.

What then is the root desire of each and every person that exists? Is it not bliss, joy, imperturbable happiness? Is it not to live each day in paradise? If so, the key to the achievement of this ultimate goal is to detach every idea that we might have from this goal. It is not the new car or new outfit or whatever that should be the focus of our desire because these things are finite and limited. The new car becomes an old car and the outfit is soon out of style.

You might ask, “Is it really possible to pursue bliss directly? How do I DO that? What if I succeed, what then? Will I become some blithering idiot floating through life with an eternal smile on my face living in some fantasy world of my own making?”

That fact is, I don’t really think that I have enough information to figure this type of thing out. One who lives in a world of limitation (by choice of course) has already accepted some limitation of awareness for the purpose of experiencing the unfolding of manifestation through cause and effect. Basically, I believe that I have chosen to have a limited conscious mind because it is somehow of value to me, for me to be aware of that value would “spoil the fun”, so to speak.

It seems like a pretty nasty catch 22, but then, perhaps not. Why not appeal to a “greater authority”.

This whole conversation has an underlying concept that is a “given” from the beginning. That concept is the idea that there exists a consciousness without limitation, a consciousness with the power to control all aspects of reality and know the consequences of any action, Infinite, Living, Mind. It is a consciousness that is infinite, omnipotent, and omniscient, what most of us would call God and yet any concept that you might have of what God is could not encompass the most minute fraction of the reality of this being. That being is both the creator and inheritor of all that was, is and ever will be. It is both the true nature of your ultimate self and the true nature of the universe. It is that which is both simultaneously the creator and the created and is above all law and logic. There is nothing outside of the reach of its power and capability. It is the ultimate paradox that transcends all reason.

This is the “greater authority” to which we must appeal. In the appeal to this authority we must have the discipline to focus every component of our consciousness on the one single desire. If we should, in the slightest way, focus our thoughts on any aspect of the lack of what we desire, the manifestation will be delayed and this is the value of detachment, because if we should somehow believe that we “know” the “proper” path to the manifestation of our desire, it is the path that shall be manifested and not the desire itself. Since the path really has no bearing upon the fulfillment of the ultimate desire, it creates conflict within us that creates a world of longing for something that we somehow know is missing and un-manifest and yet we don’t know why.

Therefore, perhaps each prayer should be a prayer of thanks and happiness and joy. Maybe we should seek to keep in our hearts and minds the ultimate goal of whatever it is that we are seeking and remain open to however, it will manifest. We can stay vigilant for the signs of the manifestation as it unfolds and mindful of the signs, symbols and intuitions that will lead us on the pathway to paradise. We can concentrate on the goal and detach ourselves from all other things.

This is detachment.

Lynchings Continue

Published on June 10, 2005 in Current Affairs. 0 Comments

I just returned from lunch. I picked up a rental car today and as I was eating, I listened to “World View”, a radio program on National Public Radio.

One of the articles was about a woman whose husband had worked for the Guatemalan resistance. He was “disappeared” by the Guatemalan military in the early 90’s. As a lawyer, she did everything in her power to find him and have him released. She finally determined that he had been taken by the military, tortured and executed, all with the knowledge and even the tacit consent of the American CIA.

The article was about the torture that still goes on today in Guantanamo Bay and in other facilities either run by or sanctioned by the US Military and US intelligence agencies.

It was her position that this kind of behavior by our government is not only immoral, but also useless in that torture is known in the intelligence community for returning at best unreliable information. I would never dispute that the practices of our government are barbaric and unacceptable to me and to the majority of humanity. However, I believe that there is a major misconception that exists regarding torture.

The purpose of torture is not the acquisition of information. The purpose of torture is intimidation and revenge.

I believe that our government and the intelligence community are both happy to let the people of the US believe that somehow they are taking appropriate measures to safeguard our "way of life". This allows them to justify their behavior. However, as the descendent of African slaves, I must point out that torture has been used as a regular tool for controlling the minds and emotions of slaves and thier descendants since this country was "discovered" by the Europeans.

The same techniques that are used today in the ghost prisons of the world have been used for hundreds of years against my people. Of course, in the beginning, the justification was the practical management of a useful resource. Later, when it was used in the south after the abolition of slavery, it was justified as “Protecting our women and our way of life”. Today, we justify it as protecting us from the evils of terrorists.

I cannot advocate these actions that are practiced in my name around the world. But let us be very clear on their purpose. It is not about acquiring information. It is about sending a message. This message is best sent when those who are tortured are both the strongest and most upstanding of the community to be controlled. If we were to torture the guilty, it would have little effect. It is better to torture the innocent. In this way, integrity is undermined and community is destroyed. This creates an environment where an attitude of “every person for them selves” dilutes the power of the people. And makes a fertile environment for bribery and mistrust among the population being controlled.

May our Ancestors forgive us all.

Truth: Part II

Published on June 2, 2005 in Spirituality. 0 Comments

I have been discussing Truth.

In my previous post, I shared one of the more mystical events that I find in my memory. There are others there. I have also shared how recent events have opened the possibility for me that many things that I once thought were “in my imagination” may be part of a wider shared reality.

I need to understand what is true.

I suppose that the search for truth has been a lifelong activity for me. When you think about it, my career has been focused on truth since I became a professional technologist. I have been working with logic since I was about 15 years old. It happened to be digital logic but then, logic is logic, the philosophy of truth.

I have been thinking about scientific truth. I am exploring that some in my other blog (http://scilog.modernmysticman.com). Do scientists actually know what is true? I know a few professional physicists and they don’t seem to even believe in an objective concept of truth. The theories and laws of science seem to be determined by their utility and not much more. As long as they are self-consistent, it’s “all good”.

The theories of science, however, are based on a set of underlying concepts (postulates or axioms) and if we relax some of those postulates, then the framework of scientific truth begins to expand drastically. It seems to me that the history of unification in scientific thought has been delineated by the relaxation of the underlying assumptions upon which we base our view of the world.

If this were so, then scientific truth would be based on choice.

Perhaps truth is something that we can perceive. Maybe there is a sense that we have that allows us to determine if some concept or idea is true. When a scientist studies a set of formulas, what is happening is that their consciousness is evolving into a new configuration. If they can “understand” the concepts described by the formula, they will perceive the truth of it. But, there must be a desire to do so, of course.

I had an experience once while studying geometrical algebra. I won’t go into the details of GA here. What is important is that as I studied the concepts, I suddenly felt as if my heart and mind were expanding without limit. My whole body began to vibrate and I perceived such beauty, as I had never experienced before. I felt a kind of intellectual ecstasy. My experience was confirmed later when I discussed it with a physicist colleague of mine. He told me that he used to have wet dreams about the beautiful concepts that he was studying while doing work as a grad or post-grad student. He said he would awake each morning in anticipation of entering the “beautiful world” of a particular theorist.

If this is truth, it is truly a beautiful experience. I have experienced the same thing while walking to work or making Love or meditating. I recently had this same experience at a classical concert at my middle daughter’s university (she’s a violist).

Whatever this is. I LOVE IT!

Truth: Part I

Published on June 1, 2005 in Spirituality. 2 Comments

What exactly is truth, and what is really true?

I have been seeking the answer to that question for many years, perhaps my whole life. Some might ask why I would pursue such an ephemeral question that has little practical value in the “real world”.

Well, the “real world” is the question isn’t it? What is really real and what is “just in my imagination”? When I was a very young child, I remember waking up in the middle of the night and fearing the dark. I did something that I rarely remember doing, and came into my parent’s room and climbed into the bed with them. I don’t recall if I was on my Mother’s side of the bed or my Father’s. I remember lying there on the edge with my back snuggled comfortably up against one or the other of them and feeling safer than I had at night in a long time. As I lay there I noticed that there was a book floating in front of me. The spine of the book was parallel to the floor and the pages were turning slowly. The book seemed to glow brightly like the after images that you see with your eyes closed just after staring briefly at a bright light. I could see symbols in the book, but I did not understand them. I suppose that I was too young to know how to read and I can’t make them out clearly any more in my memory.

The question is, was this experience, and other similar experiences that I have had, real or “just my imagination” as I was told by my parents?

Sometimes the images that I saw were quite frightening but I think I was more frightened by the fact that my parents could not see what I saw and they told me that it wasn’t real. Eventually, I no longer saw these images or, maybe I just no longer recognize them and register them in my consciousness. I still have “feelings” though and my internal dialog can be very powerful on occasion.

Now, I have come to recognize that there are things that I perceive that others do not. I have made good use of this capability in that it helps me to create models of concepts in ways that many people do not. This, of course, is one of the talents that is extremely useful for an application architect and, for the most part, I have ignored my internal world except where it is relevant to my work. I suppose one of the reasons why I enjoy my work so is that I can play in this “imaginary world”.

I have been working with my older brother Mike for the past five years or so on improving my health. As I began to practice the Tai-Chi and Chi-Kung that he teaches, I began to realize that some of the experiences that I relegated to “imagination” may have actually been experiences of the flow of Chi. The “bringing Chi to the hands” that he teaches, I have experienced since I was probably 12 or 13 years old. At that time I was practicing Yoga and I suppose I was experiencing Chi spontaneously. I have now met my Lady Love, Brenda, and she can feel Chi and responds to the flow of this energy quite readily. The exchanging of energy with her is more wonderful than anything that I could ever have dreamed.

This brings up a small problem though, I no longer can simply assume that many experiences that I have had in the past, and those that I am having now, are mere fantasy. The fact that others also are able to experience some of these things is evidence that there is a shared reality that exists beyond my little corner of the collective consciousness.

So, the search is on now in earnest. I need to know what is true and what is fantasy.

A New Domain

Published on May 19, 2005 in Web/Tech. 0 Comments

I have finally created a new domain from my web activities, www.ModernMysticMan.com. This weblog can now be found at WebLog.ModernMysticMan.com. My physics weblog can be found at SciLog.ModernMysticMan.com and my software and architecture weblog can be found at SoftLog.ModernMysticMan.com.

I’m using GoDaddy.com from my service and have found the tools to be relatively easy, for an experienced technophile such as myself. I wouldn’t recommend them for a non-technical person though. I found their web site to be overly busy. They don’t seem to recognize that once you have purchased their services, they don’t have to continually bombard you with advertisements. There is so much information on their pages that it is actually irritating to perform the work that you purchased their service for. Once you get past the marketing to the tools that you are looking for, the tools are well written and easy to use. Just finding the proper link to get to the tools is rather hard.

Work Or Play?

Published on May 16, 2005 in General. 0 Comments

I remember having a conversation around the dinner table when I was a teenager. The meal was winding down and as was usual in our family, we began to discuss subjects of interest to us. This was often a time when my Mother and Father would impart their wisdom to us and we, as children, would be able to share our insights. I think that at this time, my eldest bother had already left for the Navy so it was my parents, my older brother Anthony, myself and my two younger sisters.

Somehow the conversation turned to a point where I made the statement, "I will never work for a living." My Father was aghast! He actually became angry at this point and considered my statement to be absolutely incorrect in any context. I was confused and startled by his response.

The point that I was making at the time was that it is better to do something that is fun and get paid for that than to go to work at a job you hate, just to "make a living". I continued to defend my position though my Dad felt that it was incorrect on principle. My Mom just sat back and smiled.

After I graduated from high school I had the opportunity to work in an auto manufacturing plant during the summer before I headed off to Purdue. I was working the night shift and the work was 10 hours per day, 6 days a week. I never thought about it at the time, but my family probably had to pull some strings to get me that job. Had I stuck with it over the summer, I would have had enough money to cover all of my college expenses.

I lasted two weeks.

I couldn’t take it, I felt like I was working as some kind of general purpose robot. After a couple of days, I would dream of the cars coming down the assembly line conveyor. I would wake up in the dark and go to sleep in the dark and never see the sun, and this was during the summer!

The guy who worked next to me was high all the time and yet he still got his work done. After a while I understood why.

That experience confirmed for me my conviction that I would never "work" for a living.

I recognize in retrospect that I am truly blessed. The work that I love to do is in demand and it pays quite well. Even so, there have been times when I have envied the folks who could go to a job and have no real attachment to what they were doing and then come home and "have a life" away from their "work". Finding a balance between the work that I love and the rest of my life has been a struggle. Not only that, I also have a BS metric. As long as a job is at least 50% fun, I can do it without emotional stress. I have never found a job that passed that metric for more than a day or so, and I have always (until the DOT.COM bubble burst) been able to find work within a matter of a couple of weeks.

I honestly have no clue what it is like to get up and go to a job that I don’t enjoy. This has often left me clueless when it comes to empathizing with those who have spent their whole life struggling to make ends meet by any means necessary. That pretty much covers most the adult population of the US.

When I hear someone say, "I have some things that I have to do." I think to my self, "why?" Why do you have to do anything? Who is forcing this on you? Is it right that you should be compelled to do something that you don’t really want to do? Shouldn’t people do what it is that they want instead of what it is that they must?

What is it about our society, even our world, that people are not able, or allowed, to do what it is that they desire to do the most? It seems clear to me that the person who receives a bunch of money who is then able to do whatever they choose does not usually find happiness. Therefore, I can’t see it as just being able to live without having to work. For me, it is the fulfillment of my purpose in life. That is what I want more than anything else. I need only to be aware of that purpose and have the opportunity to express it. The logical expression of that purpose for me is to share it with the world. It is in the gift of giving of my self in the form of fulfilling my purpose that my greatest desire is fulfilled.

So, I think I’ll keep on doing what I want to do…

Published on May 15, 2005 in Weblogs. 0 Comments

I have made a change to my weblog.

All posts that are involved with software, software architecture and software development can now be found at

http://modernmysticman.typepad.com/mysticsoftware

Posts dealing with physics and science can be found at

http://modernmysticman.typepad.com/mysticphysics

I will continue to post general and some personal information here for those who might be interested.

I AM WHAT I AM!

Published on May 5, 2005 in General. 1 Comment

These days, I have been thinking a lot about my family. I have been thinking about my daughters Atlantis, Ayriole, and Athena (yes, Ayriole is spelled like that! I named her after all). I have been thinking about my Ex Wife Audrey and my Fiancé Brenda.

I have been feeling emotions that I usually feel as payday approaches and my cash gets low, and wanting to be able to give them all everything that they could ever want, and feeling like I cannot. I would choose to experience a different set of feelings when I think of those whom I Love.

I have been thinking about my desire, even need, to give. It seems that my ability to experience love is directly related to the experience of giving. If I am not able to give, then I am not able to experience love.

This is a difficult situation. The difficulty lies in the realization that what I have to give is not usually what anyone wants. If what someone wants from me is X and it is my destiny to give Y, then both the giver and the receiver are in a position of profound disappointment.

I believe that each person exists in this world for a purpose. This may be a total fantasy but it is one I choose. What ever that purpose is, it is our destiny to discover and fulfill that purpose. It is that purpose that is our destiny that is what we each truly have to give.

In Malidoma Somé’s book, “The Healing Wisdom of Africa”, he describes how the culture of his village revolves around determining and cultivating the purpose of each individual so that each individual may contribute to the whole. It is the purpose of each individual that is valued above all things and each individual is given the opportunity to fulfill that purpose by giving their talents to the village.

Perhaps what my loved ones seek from me, it is not my purpose to give. I can only give that which I am. Of all of my closest loved ones, Only Brenda seems to see the value in what I have to give.

I hope and pray that my children will some day see the value in me. Perhaps this is a learning process for them. I must accept the possibility, however, that they may never see any value in me other than what they want from me that I am unable or unwilling to give. If that is so, they will never see any value in me at all. The idea of this is a source of great sorrow for me.

I believe that there is value in what it is that I have to give and I state here and now that I am seeking all those to whom my gifts are gifts that can be shared. I have no illusions or delusions of grandeur in this. I only want to be able to experience the Love that I feel when I am able to fulfill my purpose in life by sharing who I am.

I AM WHAT I AM!