I AM WHAT I AM!

These days, I have been thinking a lot about my family. I have been thinking about my daughters Atlantis, Ayriole, and Athena (yes, Ayriole is spelled like that! I named her after all). I have been thinking about my Ex Wife Audrey and my Fiancé Brenda.

I have been feeling emotions that I usually feel as payday approaches and my cash gets low, and wanting to be able to give them all everything that they could ever want, and feeling like I cannot. I would choose to experience a different set of feelings when I think of those whom I Love.

I have been thinking about my desire, even need, to give. It seems that my ability to experience love is directly related to the experience of giving. If I am not able to give, then I am not able to experience love.

This is a difficult situation. The difficulty lies in the realization that what I have to give is not usually what anyone wants. If what someone wants from me is X and it is my destiny to give Y, then both the giver and the receiver are in a position of profound disappointment.

I believe that each person exists in this world for a purpose. This may be a total fantasy but it is one I choose. What ever that purpose is, it is our destiny to discover and fulfill that purpose. It is that purpose that is our destiny that is what we each truly have to give.

In Malidoma Somé’s book, “The Healing Wisdom of Africa”, he describes how the culture of his village revolves around determining and cultivating the purpose of each individual so that each individual may contribute to the whole. It is the purpose of each individual that is valued above all things and each individual is given the opportunity to fulfill that purpose by giving their talents to the village.

Perhaps what my loved ones seek from me, it is not my purpose to give. I can only give that which I am. Of all of my closest loved ones, Only Brenda seems to see the value in what I have to give.

I hope and pray that my children will some day see the value in me. Perhaps this is a learning process for them. I must accept the possibility, however, that they may never see any value in me other than what they want from me that I am unable or unwilling to give. If that is so, they will never see any value in me at all. The idea of this is a source of great sorrow for me.

I believe that there is value in what it is that I have to give and I state here and now that I am seeking all those to whom my gifts are gifts that can be shared. I have no illusions or delusions of grandeur in this. I only want to be able to experience the Love that I feel when I am able to fulfill my purpose in life by sharing who I am.

I AM WHAT I AM!