Shame

I’m a pretty smart guy. I can study the most advanced concepts of theoretical physics. I can write computer programs to solve some of the most complex problems. I can conceive technological solutions so quickly that I spend more time convincing people that a solution exists than in implementation.

Who cares?

Really, who gives a shit? What does it matter that I can do all these cool things with my brain if I’m not able to make something of my life?

It seems that I have been using my vaunted intellect to create a mental world where I can avoid any possible feelings of shame. I suppose that this would be no real surprise to anyone who really knows me, but it came as a real surprise to me.

People don’t like feeling bad. Bad feelings are to be avoided. Some people will run away from situations that remind them of their mistakes. Others will become angry and lash out or fight. As for me, I create a logical thought process where the error does not exist. That way, I have done nothing wrong, so I don’t have to feel the pain of it. I don’t have to feel the shame.

So, what this ends up doing is putting me in a fantasy world. As soon as anyone would try to bring me out of it, I would break out the big guns and argue them into submission. I would bully them with my intellect until they left it alone, or they left me alone.

Obviously, I have spent a lot of time alone.

I figured I could get used to being alone. Poor me, misunderstood and unaccepted, wallowing in the pain.

Whatever!

Master Naba is a very tolerant man. He also happens to be smarter than me. I guess that this combination and his determination to shatter the glass house of logic that I have built around my shame may be able to help me make something of myself.

I’m sure that I have met many people that are smarter than me. It’s not that Master is a better software engineer or anything; he is just all around smart. Certainly, he could become an impressive developer if he wanted to, he has all the skills and basic personality traits that I have observed make a great developer. He just has better things to do.

Master Naba introduced me to the idea of selective intelligence. I’m the poster child for this. A person can be smart in one thing and really dumb in another.

That’s me, the ultimate example of selective intelligence.

Master Naba is very kind in his characterization. I would just say that I’m an Asshole in dire need of a mental enema!

I always like to say, “The Gods created Assholes because sometimes the world needs to take a shit.” The corollary to this is, “Never screw an Asshole because your ass ends up were theirs used to be.” Basically, Assholes are to be avoided. You don’t want to be around when the shit comes out.

Enough fun with the puns; I really need to learn how to be all around smart. To do this, I will need to recognize shameful behavior in myself.

Master Naba says that one of the things that he teaches at The Earth Center is shame. When he first introduced this concept of teaching shame, I found it totally unacceptable (like I should have an opinion!)

I thought we have so much shame here in the West that facing it might destroy us. This should therefore be avoided. Of course, I really wanted to avoid my own shame.

Perhaps the whole avoidance of shame thing that we do here is the core of our problems, the core of my own problems I should say. If I can make the generalization though, this may actually be true for Western society.

We always talk about freedom and liberty. Freedoms to do what, kill, destroy, rape and pillage the world? Without some kind of control on our behavior, we are nothing more than animals driven by our most base desires and emotions. You can see this every day on the Jerry Springer Show or other shows like it; people without the ability to accept their shame.

We find ways to avoid responsibility for our actions. We blame our spouses, our children, our government, our past, terrorists, but it’s just us, individual human beings making mistakes in their lives and refusing to learn from them. It’s just me, refusing to recognize that in order to overcome my errors, I must accept them for what they are, stupid mistakes.

We run away from our shame in every way possible. I use the tool I’m most comfortable with, my intellect. Others use their own methods.

Last night I went to The Earth Center to get some medicine for a terrible migraine headache. I also wanted to talk. I know that I need some help dealing with my behavior.

Master Naba was working with his newborn daughter, Aniya. She is four and a half month old. He told me that he decided to take some time to help her because he noticed that she could not control her crying. I have been involved with raising my three daughters, but I could never even pretend to have the experience that he has. So, I observed his behavior and did not interfere. Normally, I would pick up and comfort a baby in this circumstance, but I saw previously how he allowed her to cry. I had seen him and several of the other members of The Earth Center stand there while she lay on her back wailing herself into oblivion. It seemed rather cruel.

Last night she was crying as usual. My migraines are not sensitive to sound so this was not a problem.

She was set apart from the rest of the family and I went over and simply observed her crying. I did not touch her or pick her up. I just watched. Eventually, Master Naba came over and sat beside me and began to talk.

Master Naba told me again about my behavior. I don’t know how many times he has told me how I had been playing these logical games to avoid seeing what I was doing and how I have been acting. Somehow this time, it penetrated my defenses and I began to realize what an Asshole I have been. “Master Naba,” I said, “Should I be ashamed for taking up so much time from the other students and your work?”

He chuckled and said, “No, I don’t think so. Obviously, I am spending this time because you need the help.”

“Master, I feel so ashamed. I have behaved very badly. How can I avoid this, I hate feeling bad.”

“Welcome to the human race. Do you know anyone who likes to feel bad?”, he laughed. “I don’t like to feel shame.” I wined.

“Shame is a good thing.” He said. “Here at The Earth Center, we teach shame. Shame is what keeps you from behaving badly. It is what keeps you from going to work in you office and saying ‘Hmmm, I’m hot’ and taking your cloths off. We need shame because it helps us to learn how to behave properly.”

“I have been trained as an engineer,” I said somewhat proudly. “What we do is solve problems. I like to solve problems. How do I solve this? I want to do something. I want to act.”

“We should never act on our emotions.” He said with a smile. “One of the first things that we learn here is that when we are angry, we do not speak.”

As I came to see my own problems I realized that the best thing for me to do would be to pay close attention to anything he said or did. I had been asking for help and requiring that help to come to me only in the way that I wanted. He pointed this out to me very gently. I finally began to see that the help I needed could come from anywhere and I should listen, observe, and learn.

He began to tap Aniya on the temples and forehead. Sometimes he would move his hand in front of her face as if he were about to smack her, but of course he did not. I was thinking that he was doing some kind of energy work like my brother does; I admit that he could have been.

He said to me, “Look at this baby, all she does is cry. I have put her on a two-week program to help her control this. I am tapping her on her head to irritate her. This will make her cry. She does not have the capacity to stop her crying, she never learned how to do this but she has improved very much. Soon she will learn. When we first started, she would cry for two hours.”

Master Naba has 17 children.

He called another student, TaoAishat over. TaoAishat is the wife of the Merr of our school, BikBaye, who is currently in New York. Her baby boy was over near Bouneith and the other children. Her son is very well behaved and cute as a button I might add. He looks just like his father most of the time.

“Aniya used to cry for an hour or more.” She said. “One time she was laying on the mat with the other babies and she rolled over on her stomach. She was not hurt at all, but she started crying because the floor she rolled onto was hard and it scared her. She cried for an hour and a half and there was nothing anyone could do. She is doing much better now.”

I watched as Master Naba offered Aniya a bottle. She seemed more
interested in crying than eating. Eventually, she recognized there was food and
began to suckle and fall asleep. Any time we began to talk, she would start and
try to cry again.

Master Naba said, “Her mother would always make sure
that everyone was quiet when the baby would sleep. She does not know how to sleep when there
is sound. See how she tries to cry every time we speak?”

Eventually she calmed down. Soon he was playing with her
and she was smiling and laughing like any other healthy baby. He put her on the
hardwood floor in front of us. It seemed he expected her to cry. To both of our
surprise, she lay there with a puzzled look on her face. “See, she is looking
for a reason to cry, but she has none.” She rolled over on her stomach, “Oooh, look,
she can roll over! My baby rolls over.” He said with a smile. He got down on
the floor and played with her as she pushed herself around on her stomach grunting.

He sat up and put her in her chair with her pacifier.

As I was watching this, I found myself filled with a sense
of great sorrow and pain. Bouneith, Master’s wife and another one of the senior students (though not the Mother of Aniya) had
instructed me that it would be best to observe emotions as they are happening.
I’m pretty good at this, even though I had not been doing it lately, so I tried this
and just sat there, kind of split into two parts. My logical thinking self
observed my emotional self. I felt the urge to break down and cry, but I found
it was not really necessary to do so.

“Master, I’m feeling a great amount of sadness and pain.”

“Why is that?” He asked.

“Watching you there playing with your daughter got me to
thinking about my son.”

“How old is your son?”

“He would be a bit older than B’Dal.” I said as I looked
over at his son eating a snack at the table with his sister Zamera and brother Ineja. All three are also Master Naba’s children.

“Where is your son now?”

“He’s dead…”

“How do you deal with painful things in the
past?” I asked.

He paused and I felt a kind of sympathy coming from him.
Obviously, he has had some similar experiences of loss, in fact, he surely has experienced
far worse than I. He never speaks of this, though he had hinted about it when I
was whining about my own past and acting out the victim in a previous
conversation.

He simply said, “We look toward the future.”

I sat there and thought about what he said.

I knew
instinctively it was time for me to go and meditate on what I had learned.
Zamera and Ineja were climbing all over us. I guess they knew, as children often do, that this would make me feel better.

It did.

I really love the
children.

Master Naba went into the healing room and came out with a very
small white plastic bottle. “Smell this.” He said, as he unscrewed the cap and placed it under my nose. I didn’t even think about
it. I inhaled deeply until I could feel a tingling in my nose. Eventually, I
began to sneeze. Bounieth, who was sitting over near the children on Master
Naba’s sleeping mat asked, “What is that for?”

“It is for the headaches.” He took it over and allowed her
to smell it along with TaoAishat.

I had forgotten all about the headache medicine.

I said my goodbye’s passing out hugs to the women and a
firm handshake and hug to Master Naba. Ineja and B’Dal ran over to get a handshake. Zamera did too, but I picked her up and hugged her saying “Oh no, ladies always get a hug.” B’Dal, who had not had as much attention
from me as the other children followed me to the door hinting that he wanted a
hug too, so I gave him one as well.

I have a lot to learn about being a real human being.
Maybe I’m beginning to make a start. I must say that I am eternally grateful to
my Ancestors for leading me to this place. I guess that they had to give me
that headache to open me up to this new lesson.

I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to have a Master
such as Neb Naba. I jokingly think to myself that when I grow up, I want to be
just like him. It seems a silly thing to say considering that we are the same age.

Perhaps it’s not as much of a joke as I had thought.